Today was the first time I felt allowed to cry.
Getting ready to meditate through song (which is how I connect to my heart), today I asked Mother Aya to lead me… and felt her, supporting me as the earth, while I started to sing.
As I closed my eyes, and sang myself into my heart, I saw myself, like I often do, standing in my childhood back yard. At first, I felt separate from my small stone garden and the delicate birch trees surrounding it. But, as I continued to feel both Gaia and Mother Aya holding me, and supporting me, I felt my legs dig into the earth then saw the sky above open up.
As droplets of rain started to pour down on me, I knew I was being encouraged to let my tears flow. While I didn't realize I had tears to shed, and because I was dedicating this session to my ancestors and their healing, I wasn’t sure if everything I was releasing was mine- but I knew it didn't matter.
I was being urged to cry so I could understand love.
So, while standing there, in my childhood garden deep in my heart, I allowed myself to feel safe in mother Aya’s powerful nurturing, and let go.
At the beginning, all that came out of me was an audible cry. A small squeak of pain and sadness finding its voice. I judged the whole process, and my tears, and wondered whether I was letting go enough and what I was even letting go of.
Feeling my mind wander, I asked for Mother Aya to take over… and then, I felt it. The rain.
A rain so powerful but so soft. Millions of large, full drops, streaming over my head and face, soothing me. Then, images of my mother’s face, and the cold dismissiveness given to a crying child from a mother afraid of sadness or “over-emotion”, came into my awareness. I understood that I had never been really given ( or known I could have) permission to cry. Like so many mothers ( I’d argue most), due to her own upbringing, humanity and journey, my mother, never saw crying as acceptable. And she certainly didn't see it as loveable…or, even beautiful- the way I was coming to see it. The way I was being shown to see it.
Understanding that there was a more loving, nurturing and truth-filled way, and that I could lean into and be enveloped by it, my heart shone as tears continued to flow from my eyes. And as the rain washed over my head, it mixed with the the streams of soft rose energy that poured down my body as tears and touched the soil. And the soil was soft to meet them. It drank them up, lovingly. Love emanating from everywhere.
Its was the first time in my life that crying didn't feel “wrong”. In fact, it felt really good.
I stayed in that space and state until the beautiful after rain scent wafted over my senses. Then I knew I was finished.
Coming out of the meditation, I wished that my ancestors received whatever healing they needed, and felt a deep sense of gratitude as I realized that I had.