For as long as I can remember I have been trying to connect with the angels.
I remember at a music recital when I was little, wanting to feel their company so badly, that I sat with my hand open, hoping one of them would take it. I felt nothing, though now I know they were definitely there- singing through me.
You see, spirituality has always been a significant part of my life. My first memory is of myself at the age of 4, in my old backyard, staring up at the sun. I remember feeling so amazing, so present and so connected to everything one moment and then the feeling fading. I was devastated and confused when it did. I wanted so much to feel that feeling again, that thinking it had moved and needed to be found somewhere new (outside of me), I spent hours upon hours looking for it in the grass.
Growing up, I was so fascinated by people who could see and talk to angels. One summer, while on vacation in PEI, I bought a book called “Interview with an Angel”. It was too advanced and philosophical for me to understand at that age, but I somehow knew that I would need it later in life.
After high school, when the world opened up more, I found I was seeking their answers more than ever. What was I supposed to do? What were my strengths? Who was I really?
Having a friend who was harnessing her ability to speak with and understand the angels, I started asking her questions. I remember our first formal reading was so amazing. She had insight on things there is no way she could have known and expressed thoughts in a way very different from how she normally would/could have. I was hooked. But also, I was jealous.
I wanted so badly to communicate directly with the angels. I wanted to see, hear and feel them. I wanted to help people with them. And what was so maddening to me at the time was that she, and other spiritual readers had all told me that I had a special connection with them. But I couldn't feel it. And I felt further away from them than ever.
Trying to discover what this actual connection was, I spent the next 10 years exploring. I bought “learn how to connect to your angels and spirit guides” meditation CDs, attended multiple workshops (locally and abroad) about developing clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, where I left feeling nothing but defeat. I read every book on spirituality I could find and planned sort of “pilgrimages” to travel to places where people had connected, to see if I could. I couldn't. I studied reiki, did shamanic retreats and at one point, I even worked in a 1-1 mentorship program with the world’s self-proclaimed best “Medium” while on a 5 week vacation in the cloud forest of Costa Rica, still with no angel in sight.
It wasn't until an ayahuasca ceremony (my 4th!- when I told you I tried everything- I mean I really tried!) that I finally understood. It’s both so ironic and obvious now that I think about it, but the only way I would understand my connection to angels was to understand my connection… to me.
During the ceremony, I found myself going into fear. This fear was sparked by the fact that I did not know whether I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with my best friend at the time or not but knew we had a definite connection. Like searching for angels and answers, love was another miracle I was always searching for- or fixated on. In all truth, I was more scared of opening up than I realized, especially of making a mistake when choosing my forever love (thank you every Disney love story ever) that I struggled a lot with letting love in.
So, as I found myself tossing and turning with my fear over loving, being loved, etc… I felt myself melt. Like physically melting. Now, I'm not going to claim to be an expert in how plant medicine works, all I can offer is my experience. And what it felt like was my fear was taking over and taking me down with it.
At first, I felt like I was just melting into the floor. Everything was heavy, but nothing was too alarming. As I continued to fear, I continued to melt and found myself moving beyond the floor. First, I felt my body tangle in and around itself as I continued to fall. Then, I felt myself start to go two dimensional ( like that part in “Inside out” ) I was essentially made of jagged shapes. Then, I went to what felt like another planet but was located in the core of the earth. There I saw reptilian patterns and saw swift movements of what looked like scales and tails. It didn't feel terrifying… just gross. I wasn't afraid of this place but I didn't want to be there. I felt myself go cold. At that moment I remembered that the Shaman had said, “if you feel cold or heavy, move. Get your energy moving”. So I started to move my finger. Then my hips the tiniest bit. I felt myself start to lift from that place and space.
Then, I had the knowing to sing.
Singing raised me from the dark, cold depths like a rocket ship. What was even more amazing was that as I continued to sing once I lifted out of the pit, I continued to rise. Looking up in the room, I started to see shimmer and glitter appear above me and some white light. I continued to sing, and had the feeling I was now being sung. Everything around me turned gorgeous. I was in a fluorescent garden with gorgeous flowers and an undeniable feeling of love. As I continued to sing, symbols and flowers continued to dance around me. Until, at one point, there was an explosion of white. White just filled the screen- as if two parts of me had exploded back together. The second the white happened, I sat up and yelled, “ It was music all along!” The shaman yelled ”You are healed.”
At that moment, my mind blew open. I felt and saw sound as the awe-inspiring, powerful and divine energy it was. I recognized how it was intelligently used through me; both for me and others. It had the effortless power to transform low, fearful states to love and power and to raise the energy of my environment. I also recognized that I was simply a channel for it, that it was the divine working through me when I sang. I could take very little credit for it… because I was programmed to be/do exactly this. It was in my DNA and I felt it. I finally felt the ease and excitement of knowing my purpose and the beauty of knowing my purpose was always about serving everyone. It wasn't about me.
Now, inherent with my new understanding that music was the ultimate energy-riser, connector-to-the-higher-realms and mood-shifter extraordinaire, was also the intuitive knowing that I had to use it, unleash it every chance I got.
Since then, trusting that divine beings ( i’m learning not just angels) are singing through me, and understanding that the tones I am singing/channeling are working to heal, clear and align the chakras, I began offering sound baths to others and using them regularly on myself. The amazing and very healing experiences for both the clients and myself have been more powerful and incredible than I ever could have imagined. Amazingly, the more I work with music, the more this and others worlds are opening up.
As I continue to surrender and trust, my connection to the divine is strengthening and it’s manifesting the ways I had always hoped. The gift I had always wanted came through music.
It was music all along.